Writers Lingo For The Uninitiated

Definition of a Writer: A prosperous and respected member of society

Writers lingo consists of a unique set of words and phrases members of the profession use to describe the specifics of their trade. These terms are most commonly used under stress or duress, which is basically all the time. Here’s some of the more commonly used terms alongside their definitions.

A Brief Glossary of Common Writers Lingo

Face coffee — coffee you put in your face, chiefly because the coffee and face are in the same room

How come we have no more face coffee? My face is empty!

Doffy — the state of having drunk too much coffee, especially face coffee

Coffee makes me doffy.

Unprotected sex with strangers — working on your book, not because you are disciplined, but because you have a problem

What did you do Saturday night?
Oh, nothing. Just unprotected sex with strangers.
Again? Shit, you need to get out more.

Unemployment check — the money you receive from your day job, which is such serious bullshit, you can’t even degrade yourself by calling it work

I got fuckall done on my book this week, ’cause I was too goddamn tired from standing in line for my unemployment check.

Adjustment — after working on the same paragraph for six goddamn hours, it’s not drinking, it’s making a tailored alteration to your mental state so you can do this bullshit again tomorrow

I’ve such a fucking headache, pour me a glass of adjustment juice. More. Is your arm broken? I’ll fucking break it, don’t test me!

Socializing — going back to the counter to order more face coffee

I can’t stand socializing, but I do it as a kind of mental hygiene.

The jackass method — perfecting a scene by working really hard on it, instead of waiting for the words to appear magically on the tail of a comet

This chapter is really awesome!
Oh, whatever, I used the jackass method.

Brainstorming ideas — lying in fetal position on the couch for days in sweatpants not so much worn as caked on, surviving on Skittles you keep finding between the cushions. Right now you wish the ceiling would cave in, but eventually you’ll snap out of this funk, thunderbolts will course through your veins, and you’ll be totally unstoppable for an hour or two. So worth it.

Why are you covered in dried mayonnaise?
I’ve been brainstorming ideas.

Test masturbator for a lingerie catalog company — 1) what you tell people you do for a living at parties so you don’t have to explain your book again 2) since you haven’t been paid to write in years, why not call pretty much anything you do a “job”?

If I am supposed to find this funny or charming, it’s not working at all.
First thing I do is: Photoshop the nipples back on!

Red herring — eating Swedish fish for dinner because you’re broke, but don’t worry, this is only a momentary detour from your rich and fabulous life.

Oh shit, these are gummy worms.

Killing off my main character — self-gratification

What the hell’s he been doing in his room for so long?
(muffled) Die, die, die!
Dude, that’s fucked up.

Humorous — dark enough to be uncomfortable

I just wrote a humorous piece about writers lingo for the internet. Let the self-loathing reign!

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