We Need To Talk About Kevin The Vampire

You and your friend have just completed reading Kevin the Vampire. Soundlessly you both reach for your silver-headed maces. On your smartphone, that famous bit of Latin choral music starts to play, the one that means the fates have ordained this hour to toll a death knell for one of you. Only a few words of prayer offered to your capricious god escape your parched lips before you launch yourselves, each onto the other, in a cyclone of single-purposed fury.

But wait! This doesn’t have to come to violence! Instead of beating one another to a bloody pulp, you can talk about this!

I’m just saying, it’s like an option.


To get the ball rolling, here are the kind of discussion questions that made you fake bouts of diarrhea in the fifth grade. This list has been carefully cobbled together by one of the top educators at one of the most prestigious departments of education currently researching how to educate people in the United States. This wouldn’t be available in, like, Europe or something.

Unless you are in Europe. It happens.

  1. In the 1980’s, Kevin wore shit-kicking boots and kept his wallet on a chain and went to see Black Flag before it was cool. Now he lives in a church in rural Ohio and plays “Piano Man” on the organ all day. What are some things you did this week that would totally make your younger self cringe?
  2. Kevin paints the white marble statues of St. Agnew’s Church with nail polish to amuse himself. Did you know that originally all those ancient Greek and Roman statues were also brightly painted? Name five celebrities you could impress at a party with useless bullshit like this. Don’t just name the dumb ones, some dumb people just don’t give a fuck.
  3. Over the years, Billy Joel has written and performed countless chart-topping hits such as “My Life” “Just the Way You Are” “I Go To Extremes” and “She’s Always A Woman To Me.” What are some other songs you’d have to be dead for thirty years before you could listen to them again?
  4. Kevin hears that an evil corporation is preparing to turn most people on earth into vampires by implementing a business model of ever-decreasing profit margins. But the joke is on them because . . . we’re already vampires. Right? Guys? Because capitalism, right? Just kidding folks, market economies are great. Buy this book, now available in multiple formats from quality retailers across the globe.
  5. Teal Killer Sunrise is one of Kevin’s favorite shades of nail polish. How many mimosas do you think the person who named that color could put away at brunch? It’s okay to admit you are jealous.
  6. Someone tells Kevin that traveling to the Mid-Atlantic Ridge and watching the ocean floor be born of molten rock is one of the most awe-inspiring things that anyone, living or undead, has ever experienced. More credible sources say it pales in comparison to writing reviews for fiction like Kevin the Vampire on Amazon and Goodreads. Who’s right? (PRO TIP: Review this book first for maximum science.)

There. Now no one has to die. Pity, isn’t it?

If you want to share your answers to these thought provoking questions with me, I’d love to read them! Post them in the comments or just deposit them in the box over here.

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