A preview of my upcoming sci-fi novel, The Killbug Eulogies, is now available for subscribers of this website. Clicking this link to Instafreebie will make the whole procedure quite painless.
Listen, I know painless things can be scary–I mean, how do you even know you are alive? That is why I contacted a respected leader in the field of education to help me compile a list of review questions so confusing and unnecessary, you’ll want to fake a bout of diarrhea to get out of class. Well, guess what? You are an adult now, mostly. (Please don’t read this book if you are a child. I’ll go to hell.) Everything irritating in life now follows you wherever you go, no matter how bad you got the shits.
But don’t worry: there are no right answers to these questions. In fact, there are only wrong answers. That sounds rough, but take it from me: once you resign yourself to failure, everything gets loads more fun.
(Was that another poop joke? I don’t even know anymore.)
PRO TIP: If answering these question in a group environment, be sure to serve a tray of finger food beforehand, going heavy on the crunchy things. That way, whenever you are afraid of sounding foolish, you can mumble with your mouth full!
Discuss “The Death of Oogo Boogo”
- Pvt. Timothy Archon has never seen anything so harrowing as Oogo torn open by a mantis. Discuss some horrific things you have seen. Really take yourself back and try to relive the experience. None of your so-called “friends” will exploit your vulnerable state. Promise.
- Several times, Archon describes the lakes below the surface of Beta’s fourth moon as “limpid.” What does this mean? It sounds like either really brisk or . . . sorta sticky? You know, like that bit of Sprite at the bottom of the bottle that’s 80% backwash? Seriously, I don’t know this word, I just like the way it sounds.
- Due to an injury to his hands, Oogo Boogo must use a pillow to masturbate. What are some objects you use to stimulate yourself sexually? Be candid, no one likes a prude.
- Oogo Boogo has a deep psychological need to surpass his fellow soldiers in as many combat stats as possible. Discuss some of the things you do that prove you are better than your friends. In what ways are you nevertheless a weak pathetic loser?
- The Betan military used a weapon called a chrono-cannon during the Third Colonial War. What do you imagine this is? Does it neutralize the threat you pose by transporting you into the past? Or does it just waste your time by making you stuck in line at the DMV? “Time-splosions” are awesome to think about!
- The Chair of a fancy Ivy League English department has said of this chapter: “some issues, but on the whole, pretty friggin’ cool.” Make a list of smart-sounding evidence to support this statement. (Mostly the last part.)
- Although the hominid rifles have an auto-targeter, Pvt. Archon misses the mantis that kills Oogo from “practically point blank.” Go on a rant about how technology always fucks up when you need it most.
- Oogo Boogo breaks a mining record despite his blue-green color blindness. Beethoven wrote the Ninth Symphony despite being completely deaf! Why are people with disabilities always showing off?
- If you see one more exclamation point on this page, you will:
- a.) grow a tentacle
- b.) murder a rare mythical creature, such as manticore or duck
- c.) eat the rest of the cracker
And that’s it! Just like high school. Embarrassing boners and everything.